Breathing In and Breathing Out

25 February 2010 You know those horror pregnancy stories of painful labors, different procedures and newborn baby mishaps? It never really bothered me. Not until today.

The first thing my midwife asked when she saw me this morning was, "When are you due again?" I told her on the 13th of March and that I'm ready for her to come out. She motioned for me to lie on the bed so she could check my belly, listen to B's heartbeat and feel if she's positioned well. She poked and felt around and said, "You're having a big baby!"

I laughed at her exclamation and thought nothing about it. In fact, I was happy B is a big healthy baby. But I felt a foreboding after she said that because her face turned serious and concentrated on feeling around my belly some more. Apparently, even though B is in a good position for a normal delivery, she's still sort of bouncing up and down. Her head should be more down to the mouth of the uterus but that is not the case; so she worried about it. She also worried that since I'm small and I'm having a big baby, I'll have a difficult delivery. If B doesn't cooperate by sticking her head where it should be when I'm about ready to deliver her, my midwife has half an hour to help me push her out and, if that doesn't work, the gynecologist will take over. If it takes too long and B doesn't come out, they'll use a vacuum pump as the next option. And if that doesn't work either, that's when they do a Caesarian. And, of course, that got me worried. I want to do it the natural way. I don't even want any shots.

Then came the stories of what to do when my water breaks and what to expect during labor. I'll spare you the details because there's too much organization going on about that here. You can't just go directly to the hospital and wait. That's not standard procedure here in NL unless you're a special case. This I knew before and was fine with it. But then she told us about an incident with a friend of hers who had her baby pumped out 11 times which resulted in a broken spine. That scared the hell out of me! It was enough to make me want to go to the Philippines and give birth there. I don't want them to pump her out if it could break her bones. It took a minute for me to distract myself from the mental image her story procured before I freaked out in her office. Good thing Mike and my mother-in-law were there. If I was alone, which was supposed to be the plan, I don't know what I would have felt and done. I'm appeasing myself now by thinking that maybe B isn't really ready to come out yet that's why her head isn't as low as expected but, when she is, she'll be the good little girl that she is and come out the natural way. Just no vacuum-pumping!

To top it off, my blood pressure was higher than normal and there's protein in my urine. I was sent to the hospital this afternoon for a blood sample, 4th blood pressure check, urine check and an ultrasound. The only thing they found was the protein in my urine which could be normal for many pregnancies. My blood is clear and my blood pressure is back to normal. There really wasn't much to tell about the ultrasound. They only wanted to see if she's growing good and if she's really as big as she is. We confirmed that she is, indeed, a girl. The gynecologist estimated her weight to be around 3500 to 4000 grams, but you never really know for sure until she comes out. It's a pretty heavy baby and I'm happy to know that all this baby bump weight is mostly her. I don't know how much I weighed when I was born but Mike was a 7 pounder. It wouldn't surprise me if B is on the heavy side, too.

The trip to the hospital was another story, though. The gynecologist didn't share the concerns my midwife had about B being big so that was a relief. I will have to go back there on Monday, just to be on the safe side, to have the same tests done. It was at least a positive end to a worrisome afternoon. But, even so, I'm still reeling from today's events and news which is normal, I guess. Writing about it helped and lifted some weight off my shoulders. I'm really hoping that everything will be alright.

Three More Weeks to Go!

21 February 2010 When my in-laws were over two weeks ago, we were discussing how many weeks I have left and that's when it occurred to me that I've been counting my pregnancy weeks on the wrong day! I was so sure I had six weeks when, in fact, I only have shy of five weeks left. Apparently, my math sucks. That one week difference shook me a bit to panic. "There's still so much to do!", was my constant mantra. Though, in actuality, everything is ready.



Aside from the feeling of lethargy in some months during the pregnancy, I haven't much to complain about. The first four, I felt some nausea but was not as unpleasant as having to throw up every time like many pregnant women experience. As far as I can remember, I've only done so three times. Then the nausea dissipated and I had to, sometimes, remind myself that I am pregnant because I didn't feel like I was. My bump started really showing at five months and it was almost like it grew bigger everyday from that point on.

The second trimester was my favorite. It's when I felt her moving around and responding to things like sounds and light. My weight gain was normal as was my eating habit.

Then came the third trimester. Boy, did I gain weight! I was constantly hungry. Finding a good position to sleep in was also getting more difficult by the week and, as my belly continued to grow, my breathing also started getting affected especially when lying down. Now I have swollen hands and feet. I can't even zip my loose high boots anymore. My right wrist hurts and my hands cramp up when I wash the dishes.

The first time I saw my swollen feet, I cried and felt stupid for crying. It felt so strange to see them so puffy. My toes were pudgy and seemed shorter. Mike woke up with me looking at them with tears in my eyes and he helped me lie down and massaged them until I fell back to sleep. I'm so grateful to have a husband who would wake up at 3 a.m. to ease my cramping leg or give me a back rub when he hears me groan in pain and make sure I sleep before he does even when he had to wake up at six to go to work.

They were not joking about the pregnancy dark spots like in the neck, underarms, even the "singit" :(. When I talked about it with my mom, she assured me they will go away. I really should hope so! And the warts - they're all around my neck! I'm going to have to make a trip to the dermatologist sometime this year.

But, besides all these things, I am extremely happy. I do not regret being pregnant nor do I resent it changing my body. I love it, warts and all! The experience itself is something not easy to describe unless you experience it yourself. It's chock full of wonderful, almost euphoric. All I know is that I will definitely miss the feeling. It's a natural high.



The bags have already been packed for three weeks. Surprisingly this time, I was not cramming. I have to be honest and say I'm about ready to pop her out. I'm close to slipping to telling what her name is going to be. I want to see what she looks like - if she has my hair and Mike's eyes or if she's going to be tall and fair skinned. I just can't wait to see her. As odd as it may sound, I'm even excited for the labor. I'm not anxious about the pain, not really. I guess it helps to anticipate it and to know that it's part of the whole birthing process. Many women have undergone and got through it so why can't I?

What I'm anxious about, however, is when she actually gets here and I have to take care of her. I worry that I'll be bad at it or that I'll fail at so many things. What if I drop her? What if I squeeze her too much? I can't even think about giving her a bath because the thought alone freaks me out. I have no real experience with babies besides babysitting my nieces for an hour or two which was basically just putting them to sleep. I'm scared but, at the same time, excited.

Catching up

26 November 2009 Wow, where did all the time go? It's been over a month again without any updates. Getting back on the blogging groove has proven a bit difficult seeing as I'm not used to writing regularly anymore since my hiatus, but I'll keep trying amidst all the things going on in my life right now.

So, what's been up with me?

I'm still pregnant, 24 weeks and counting. Gained 5 kgs so far. And we're having a baby girl. She's currently kicking and nudging as I write this. She's very responsive to me. Just yesterday as I was speaking to her and said, "I love you B, I love you B" while caressing my bump, she gave me two huge kicks 3 seconds later. It's like she was telling me she loves me back. Prior to that she's been quiet and she didn't move after that either. There has been a couple of other incidents like that when she made her presence known. One night, I couldn't sleep and was so distressed I started to cry, she wouldn't stop kicking and it made me cry more because it felt like she was comforting me and saying, I'm here Mommy. I'm already so in love with her.

We're also busy with home maintenance (still I know) and bought new furniture for the flat and the nursery. We decided it's time for a new look for our living/dining room as I'm currently obsessed with having everything lighter and having more space so we got rid of our Tiffany lamps and dining set in exchange for something simpler, smaller and cheaper. I spent several hours a day browsing through Marktplaats to find good deals. It's addicting! Why should I buy new chairs for 35 euros each when I could get four of them for 10? What makes it even great, they're a lot sturdier and prettier too so I'm more than happy to have them. Our living/dining room now is mostly white (except for the walls and some old furniture) and has the modern meet shabby chic look going on. I just love it. It's still a work-in-progress though because there's still wall-painting that is yet to be done but that will have to wait until the nursery is finished. Our hallway is also stripped off the lime green wallpaper and is now stark white. It's busy and messy in Casa van Vliet but it'll be fulfilling when it's all done. And there's going to be lots and lots of pictures. I know I've been saying that but the perfectionist in me wants to have everything in place before I bombard this website with pictures plus taking photos isn't part of my agenda at the moment so it will have to wait.

I'm sad to say that I had to quit school. Sigh. I just couldn't handle the stress of everything right now. It doesn't help that I'm a worrier and I tend to over-think things so my stress levels had gone off the charts last month. It wasn't pretty. So we decided that it'd be best for me to just quit and focus my attention on preparing for B and things that have yet to be done here at home and stay as positive and stress-free as possible. It was the best choice and I don't regret it. I'm just sad because I liked my class and the routine. It was just poor timing.

What else...



Here's a picture of me, Mike and my cousin David from NY who visited us for a day two weeks ago during his week-long holiday.

Baby Bump and Beat

15 September 2009

14 weeks today and it looks more like fat than a baby bump. This was taken tonight after dinner, so that could also be me being full.

We had our second appointment with my midwife this morning and got my blood test results. Everything is good; my blood pressure is normal and I didn't gain any weight yet. I don't know if the latter is good or bad but when my midwife checked on my belly to listen to the baby's heartbeat, the first thing she said was, "wow, you have a small belly". I worried that I'm not really showing yet but she comforted me by saying it is good that it's nothing to worry about and that it will come. I guess I'm just a tad impatient for that pregnant look; big bump and all. It will give me an excuse to wear tight-fitting clothes without feeling conscious that I look fat.

Good thing most of my clothes are roomy. I have dresses that can accommodate the bump when I get bigger. I'll most likely wear a lot of tights and long dress/shirts and layer for winter. It's gonna be an adventure choosing my wardrobe because I refuse to buy maternity clothes unless I really really need to.

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Last Wednesday was the first time we heard the baby's heartbeat. Mike came home with a doppler his colleague was generous enough to lend us. We were beaming when we heard the fast thudding of our baby's heart and it still didn't sink into me how real all this is. I'm still waiting for that moment.

After the first 2 minutes, we decided to call our parents and have them listen. Mike connected it to the speaker since the thing came with headphones. He first called his mom who was on vacation in Scotland and then my mom who we woke up at 11:30 pm. I could only imagine their faces while I heard their ecstatic exclamations. It was a happy moment, that's for sure.

So during our appointment today, our midwife had the doppler ready and asked me to lie on the bed. Then she pressed on my belly a bit and, without much effort, located the baby's heartbeat. I was smiling the whole time but the look on her face when she probably expected a lot more than a quiet smile was funny to watch. She kept glancing back to Mike and me, expecting something. A verbal reaction? So I kept smiling while watching Mike tinker on his phone to record it. I can't even imagine what was going through her head then. It wasn't even long, probably a minute or two. So I decided to ease her mind by telling her that it wasn't the first time we heard the baby's heartbeat. I didn't watch her face when I said it as I was busy straightening up my pants, but she must have been relieved because she paused and looked at me in surprise so we told her we have a doppler at home. She smiled then and that was that.



This is a cut version. Lots of pauses in between as I've said she was a bit distracted while we were listening. But this is B and I'm going to refer to her as female. No more s/he or his/her stuff. And, no, we don't know the gender yet. I just want to refer to B as a girl. :)

Pregnant, really?

31 August 2009 The difficult thing about this pregnancy when we first found out was keeping it a secret. When I took the first test around the 7th week, I was doubtful when it came out positive as I didn't feel particularly different. So I waited a couple more days to take another one which also came out positive. I was not yet convinced but entertained the idea that I could truly be pregnant. Mike was convinced after knowing I missed my period but didn't keep his hopes up until it was proven. He tried not to get into it too much for my sake though I know he was barely keeping it together. I knew he was very happy and excited. Why wouldn't he be? He'd always wanted to be a father. I, on the other hand, was a bit wary still but couldn't contain the good news any longer so we decided to tell the immediate family after 2 months instead of the 3 months "safe" period. Yeah, you learn from experience. But, then again, it shouldn't stop you from enjoying the experience while it lasts just because you had a not-so-good one before. I don't want it to hold me back and, should it happen again, I'd just tell myself that that's life. It happens. Right?

After a trip to my midwife and an appointment for the ultrasound, I decided that when I hear the baby's heartbeat I'll tell more people. Seeing it beating in front of my eyes was as good as hearing it, I suppose. It's proof enough that the baby is alive and has more chance on staying that way until labor day. Oh joy! I don't even want to think about that right now. I can worry about that icky, painful part later on. As for now, I'm more excited on seeing my tiny bump grow. I want to look pregnant! Baby bump, hopefully not so much excess fats, and all.

I haven't experienced that many discomforts so far besides the zits all over my face and back. Yes, that's right! It feels like I'm a teenager all over again with all the zit problems. It doesn't even matter that I drink liters of water regularly. My hormones are all going awry. It's madness!

Then there's the nausea. ** I haven't had to throw up yet but it lasts the whole evening before dinner until I fall asleep. I have a common mantra I say in the evenings, "My tummy hurts, take it away please." And all Mike could do is nod, kiss and caress my tummy. It does help! I'm not kidding. When he touches my tummy/belly area, I don't feel the discomfort but I can't expect him to do that the whole evening until we go to bed. So when he's off doing something and I seek his attention, I just say or rather bellow, "Tention!" and he comes over chuckling and patting my belly while laying his head on it. Thankfully, the nausea is getting less now and I hope it stays that way!

Oh and the bladder issues! For now, it's something I actually embrace since it serves as my natural alarm clock in the mornings. The only thing I have against it is when it happens at nights and I have to trudge down two long flights of stairs to get to the toilet or when I'm out where I always have to scout the area for the restroom just in case. I don't like public restrooms, to be honest. But this constant peeing issue goes on and off which I find really strange. For the past 2 days, I frequent the toilet more than I have in some days combined.

If you personally know me, you'd know that I have a slight sleeping problem. Pregnancy solved that for me. Even if I take naps in the afternoon (which I've been doing often lately), I could still sleep on time at nights. That doesn't happen to me normally. I get easily tired nowadays and sleepy. It's almost as if I can't control my eyes to stay open. All I want to do is lie on the couch or bed and do nothing. Not for not wanting to do anything because, believe me, I have a lot of things to do that I want to do but my body is simply telling me otherwise!

So I wrote this piece a few days ago but never got to post it as Mike was still working on my blog engine.

I am enjoying this pregnancy, I really am. The funny thing is that, I heard a lot of women were crabby and easily annoyed while pregnant. In my case, I am a lot easier to deal with than when I wasn't. In fact, Mike seems to be the one hormonal between the two of us and we both get a laugh out of it after he snaps out of whatever bad mood he was in. But there are still 6 more months to go, so we'll see!

** I did get to throw up last night, unfortunately. I really really hope that doesn't happen again but I'm not going to jinx myself. No more siopao (baopao) for me!

I'm here, I'm here!!

26 August 2009 The past months have been busy and I barely had the time to really sit down and write. Hopefully, that's going to change soon. I intend to make time for this blog because I have so much to tell!

This is going to be a very quick update since Mike is currently working on my blog engine. I just wanted to share this news (though I'm still quite apprehensive to share it after what happened a few years ago, but I'm trying to let it not spoil this whole new experience) because it's hard to keep it a secret any longer.

We're having a baby!!!



We had our first ultrasound today and I'm 11 weeks along. It's a very surreal experience to see that little miracle of life inside me. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it because it's almost hard to believe.



Here, you can see the baby showing off his/her hands. We're happy that the baby was very behaved and cooperative; showing us his/her hands and feet and fingers (we counted all 5 in one hand!) and staying still almost the whole time besides the two times that s/he jumped!

Anyway, I'm going to have to cut this short and go to bed because it's been a long day and I'm tired. I don't really have anything to complain about really because, so far, everything is going great. I only experience nausea and fatigue but that's a story to tell another day!