Where to start?

My Macbook's hard drive recently died along with all of Maya's photos. To say that I'm devastated is an understatement. It wasn't backed up except for the first 15 days I was able to save. I've learned to tune the thought of it out lest I burst into tears and I'm still in denial. I didn't mourn the death of my first Macbook, which I loved dearly, as much as I did Maya's photographs.

Maya is growing really well. She weighs 6.2 kgs and is 60 cms long at three months! Carrying her is a workout on its own - not to mention the rocking, dancing and bending we do to get her to sleep. Yes, I meant bending like you're doing an air squat with her in your arms. It's the only action that gets her to stay still and quiet immediately when she fusses. It's our fault, I know, and there's nothing much we can do about it now unless we do the pick-up/put-down method I read in baby books, which is a real pain to do and can't be done alone. I just hope she'll outgrow this pretty soon.

She can lift her head and shoulders now and is starting to attempt crawling. She does this swimming pose when lying on her belly. She has really strong legs and can stand on her own supported by the arm of a sofa or when held under her arms.

~*~

This blog entry was 2 months delayed. Didn't want to delete it so I'm just posting it as it is. I want to write again as I miss blogging so much! I simply just don't have the time.

1. I miss feeling the baby move in my belly but having her in my arms, seeing her move, hearing her make sounds make up for it. Ten times more.

2. I love being able to sleep on my stomach now. It felt strange to do that the first time after months of sleeping on my side. I'm a pillow hugger so I'm not entirely sleeping on my belly - half of it is on the bed while the other half is on the pillow. That was one good 3-straight hours nap I've had since B was born! I try not to sleep like that all the time because I slept through my alarm that night!

3. I can clean the way I want to. The other day, while Mike was on baby-watch duty because she didn't want to be put down to bed, I scrubbed the staircase outside and the bathroom tiles, I dusted around the house, vacuumed the rooms, did a load of laundry, washed dishes and cooked dinner. All in one day with only 3 hours of sleep to operate. Add to that a 2-hour shopping trip at the mall. I felt like wonder woman!

4. I miss having the excuse to sleep as much as I want to. Now, I don't have that luxury. :(

5. I miss the baby bump. All I have left are the flabby parts that will take months to get rid of and spring and summer are just right around the corner. Ugh!

6. I'm so excited to fit my regular clothes! Last Sunday, I was able to wear a pair of my regular jeans. It was still a tad tight but I was able to close the button. It made me so happy!

I only bought one pregnancy skirt and a pair of stretchy pants. I found it a waste of money to buy more when I wouldn't be wearing them anymore after 9 months. Good thing I own a lot of loose clothes.

7. Being able to eat some food I wasn't "allowed" to. But, darn it, I can't splurge or binge or I'd gain more weight when I'm supposed to be losing it. It's a toughie to watch my food intake now because I can't justify it by having pregnancy cravings or just being pregnant. I was able to get away with it then but now, well...

Yesterday, we celebrated B's 2nd week with a chocolate mousse cake. Oops!

8. People are generally nice to you when you're pregnant. I kind of miss that attention.

9. Being pregnant in the winter has its advantages. I didn't have to wear that many layers because my body heat was higher. While Mike was buried under the duvet, I slept on top of it because it was too warm. One time, I even asked for a fan and he thought I was crazy.

10. While other pregnant women blame their hormones for their wacky emotional behavior, I was thanking mine for not giving me that problem. Mike said I was a lot more agreeable without any mood swings whatsoever and I felt happier like I was on a natural high.

These past two weeks have been a whirlwind of events but I'm glad now things are slowly getting back to normal. We've been home since Monday, and today is the first time that we're totally alone - just the three of us, and I must say it feels like we've been doing this for longer than five days. We've somewhat established a routine. Things can only get better from here, right?

Oh, I miss days like this! The peace and quiet. No one hovering or checking on you every hour. I was about to go crazy at the hospital and absolutely hated the nighttime when Mike had to leave when visiting hours were over. I have been longing to go home after staying there for 3.5 days but we booked to stay for 3 days at the kraamhotel (birthing hotel?) many months ago which followed the hospital stay so going home was further delayed. It's only here at home that I got to sleep for a straight 3 hours. Truly, there is no place like home.



Being a mom is one of the best things in the world. It's hard to explain or describe the feeling. Is it even a feeling? I just know that I feel complete.

You know what's funny? I have become an emotional sap after I gave birth to B but, during the whole pregnancy, I could count on one hand the times that I cried. I had an emotional meltdown when she came out. Then when I watched her sleep during her first night with me at the hospital and the nights that followed. Then when I found out she was losing weight because I didn't have enough breast milk yet. Then when the three of us were together for the first time day and night at the kraamhotel. Then when she had her heel shot. We'll both be a crying mess when she'll have more shots in a couple of months. I'm already dreading the day but it'll be for her good health.

I won't say that it's not difficult having a newborn in the house. There were times when she cried for an hour long and we're frustrated from the lack of sleep. It can get really tiring when she does this in the evening as most of our energy is spent. But just one look at her and all I can think of is it's all so worth it. It hurts how much we love her and now I can't imagine a life without her.

B was born at 5:44 in the morning of March 3, 2010.
Her real name is Maya Capri.
She weighed 2865 grams and was 52 cm in height.

She celebrates her first week today.



Welcome to the world, baby girl!
Seeing you finally is one of the best moments of our lives.
We are very proud of and happy with you.
You are such a blessing!
And, we love you oh so very much!

Happy first week, B!

P.S. That second photo wasn't choreographed. She did that herself.

You know those horror pregnancy stories of painful labors, different procedures and newborn baby mishaps? It never really bothered me. Not until today.

The first thing my midwife asked when she saw me this morning was, "When are you due again?" I told her on the 13th of March and that I'm ready for her to come out. She motioned for me to lie on the bed so she could check my belly, listen to B's heartbeat and feel if she's positioned well. She poked and felt around and said, "You're having a big baby!"

I laughed at her exclamation and thought nothing about it. In fact, I was happy B is a big healthy baby. But I felt a foreboding after she said that because her face turned serious and concentrated on feeling around my belly some more. Apparently, even though B is in a good position for a natural delivery, she's still sort of bouncing up and down. Her head should be more down to the mouth of the uterus but that is not the case; so she worried about it. She also worried that since I'm small and I'm having a big baby, I'll have a difficult delivery. If B doesn't cooperate by sticking her head where it should be when I'm about ready to deliver her, my midwife has half an hour to help me push her out and, if that doesn't work, the gynecologist will take over. If it takes too long and B doesn't come out, they'll use a vacuum pump as the next option. And if that doesn't work either, that's when they do a Caesarian. And, of course, that got me worried. I want to do it the natural way. I don't even want any shots.

Then came the stories of what to do when my water breaks and what to expect during labor. I'll spare you the details because there's too much organization going on about that here. You can't just go directly to the hospital and wait. That's not standard procedure here in NL unless you're a special case. This I knew before and was fine with it. But then she told us about an incident with a friend of hers who had her baby pumped out 11 times which resulted in a broken spine. That scared the hell out of me! It was enough to make me want to go to the Philippines and give birth there. I don't want them to pump her out if it could break her bones. It took a minute for me to distract myself from the mental image her story procured before I freaked out in her office. Good thing Mike and my mother-in-law were there. If I was alone, which was supposed to be the plan, I don't know what I would have felt and done. I'm appeasing myself now by thinking that maybe B isn't really ready to come out yet that's why her head isn't as low as expected but, when she is, she'll be the good little girl that she is and come out the natural way. Just no vacuum-pumping!

To top it off, my blood pressure was higher than normal and there's protein in my urine. I was sent to the hospital this afternoon for a blood sample, 4th blood pressure check, urine check and an ultrasound. The only thing they found was the protein in my urine which could be normal for many pregnancies. My blood is clear and my blood pressure is back to normal. There really wasn't much to tell about the ultrasound. They only wanted to see if she's growing good and if she's really as big as she is. We confirmed that she is, indeed, a girl. The gynecologist estimated her weight to be around 3500 to 4000 grams, but you never really know for sure until she comes out. It's a pretty heavy baby and I'm happy to know that all this baby bump weight is mostly her. I don't know how much I weighed when I was born but Mike was a 7 pounder. It wouldn't surprise me if B is on the heavy side, too.

The trip to the hospital was another story, though. The gynecologist didn't share the concerns my midwife had about B being big so that was a relief. I will have to go back there on Monday, just to be on the safe side, to have the same tests done. It was at least a positive end to a worrisome afternoon. But, even so, I'm still reeling from today's events and news which is normal, I guess. Writing about it helped and lifted some weight off my shoulders. I'm really hoping and praying that everything will be alright.

When my in-laws were over two weeks ago, we were discussing how many weeks I have left and that's when it occurred to me that I've been counting my pregnancy weeks on the wrong day! I was so sure I had six weeks when, in fact, I only have shy of five weeks left. Apparently, my math sucks. That one week difference shook me a bit to panic. "There's still so much to do!", was my constant mantra. Though, in actuality, everything is ready.



Aside from the feeling of lethargy in some months during the pregnancy, I haven't much to complain about. The first four, I felt some nausea but was not as unpleasant as having to throw up every time like many pregnant women experience. As far as I can remember, I've only done so three times. Then the nausea dissipated and I had to, sometimes, remind myself that I am pregnant because I didn't feel like I was. My bump started really showing at five months and it was almost like it grew bigger everyday from that point on.

The second trimester was my favorite. It's when I felt her moving around and responding to things like sounds and light. My weight gain was normal as was my eating habit.

Then came the third trimester. Boy, did I gain weight! I was constantly hungry. Finding a good position to sleep was also getting more difficult by the week and, as my belly continued to grow, my breathing also started getting affected especially when lying down. Now I have swollen hands and feet. I can't even zip my loose high boots anymore. My right wrist hurts and my hands cramp up when I wash the dishes.

The first time I saw my swollen feet, I cried and felt stupid for crying. It felt so strange to see it so puffy. My toes were pudgy and seemed shorter. Mike woke up with me looking at them with tears in my eyes and he helped me lie down and massaged them until I fell back to sleep. Such nights, I thank God to have a husband who would wake up at 3 a.m. to ease my cramping leg or give me a back rub when he hears me groan in pain and make sure I sleep before he does. And he had to wake up at six to go to work.

They were not joking about the pregnancy dark spots like in the neck, underarms, even the "singit" :(. When I talked about it with my mom, she assured me they will go away. I really should hope so! And the warts - they're all around my neck! I'm going to have to make a trip to the dermatologist sometime this year.

But, besides all these things, I am extremely happy. I do not regret being pregnant nor do I resent it changing my body. I love it, warts and all! The experience itself is something not easy to describe unless you experience it yourself. It's chock full of wonderful, almost euphoric. All I know is that I will definitely miss the feeling. It's a natural high.



The bags have already been packed for three weeks. Surprisingly this time, I was not cramming. I have to be honest and say I'm about ready to pop her out. I'm close to slipping to telling what her name is going to be. I want to see what she looks like - if she has my hair and Mike's eyes or if she's going to be tall and fair skinned. I just can't wait to see her. As odd as it may sound, I'm even excited for the labor. I'm not anxious about the pain, not really. I guess it helps to anticipate it and to know that it's part of the whole birthing process. Many women have undergone and got through it so why can't I?



What I'm anxious about, however, is when she actually gets here and I have to take care of her. I worry that I'll be bad at it or that I'll fail at so many things. What if I drop her? What if I squeeze her too much? I can't even think about giving her a bath because the thought alone freaks me out. I have no real experience with babies besides babysitting my nieces for an hour or two which was basically just putting them to sleep. I'm scared but, at the same time, excited.

I'm one day short to 34 weeks and I'm freaking out a little bit, in a good kind of way. At least I think so. Like I'm obsessing over if she has enough clothes for the first month or two, making endless lists of things that have yet to be done, keeping things neat and tidy at all times, arranging and rearranging stuff, overworking the washing machine, ironing for three hours straight, shopping for more baby things... I'm nesting all right!



The other day while I made an inventory of things we already have for B, I realized I have yet to wash her clothes and blankets and towels. Cue: Freak out mode! But then, the panic subsided and was replaced by delight while I was separating the colors and whites. I couldn't help but gush over how cute and tiny they are. And, they're all white and pink! I kept them on our dining table for a few days to gush over some more. Be still my heart!

By now, I think Mike is tired of hearing me say, "look how tiny these socks are!" or "aren't they lovely?" or "they are soooooo cute!" or "she's so gonna love these!"

With the latter, he'd just pointedly look at me and I know what's on his mind. Yeah, like she would know what they are. And I'd say, "Okay then, I love them!" And we both laugh.



I'm so happy to have discovered my inner girly-girl a few years back. I have never, and I mean, NEVER imagined I would categorize pink as one of my favorite colors. Now, it's all I ever like!