Of Being

02 June 2008 "Stop being who you were, and change into who you are." - Paolo Coelho (Closing Cycles)

I know that I have been writing about crafting and flea markets a lot lately but this is what my life is like for the past two months. And what's more, I am extremely happy; the kind of happiness that's effortlessly contagious and perpetual. Euphoric very well describes it because I'm walking on cloud nine. It's not the same as being in love, though they both induce the same feeling... it's more defined and concise. No vague questions or radical guesses. Just the overwhelming lightness.

After many years of seeking what I really want to do with my life while I threw away my parents' money on not-so-cheap tuition fees in the gutter, wasted precious years sulking, being depressed, ruefully and shamefully unproductive, affected other people especially those I love with immense concerns about my well-being, lived in hate to those I thought would protect me, but instead, ruined me with their judgmental nature to escape from the reality of their unhappy lives, I can finally tell myself with utmost belief that I got a breakthrough. I don't blame myself any more. I make the most of my time doing what I love and being with the people I care about. I even plan to write to those I spent years hating because I already forgave them and tell them so. I am freed. And what comes with that is a more positive outlook in life, full of unlimited hopes and dreams, and believing that everything happens for a reason.

I have changed so quickly in a month. Unknowingly, I came to the understanding of accepting the lived chapters of my life will never be undone. They were choices and decisions I thought would be best for me during those times, or what would make me happy, or living in the moment kind of thing. I have, for the past 10 years, stood dormant behind that locked door that I know will never get opened again, wondering about the endless what ifs, should have and could have beens. It was a mental and emotional torture I brought upon myself because I was caught up in an illusion. But I reached into a closure with very less efforts than I imagined. It just came. I don't know exactly when and how; it just happened, and I feel very light. No more heavy baggage; just new empty suitcases to fill with the life that is to come.

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I dug through my old archives and thought I'd share this entry I wrote in August 2006. For years I have sought myself and what I really want to do with my life, at the same time battling recurring issues of the past. It's been tough facing all the demons that's been lurking in the shadows of my mind but I'm glad I was brave enough to deal with them, let them out and shut the door.